i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
