you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
