He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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