I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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