pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
