hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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