I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize