apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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