My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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