I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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