Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
