I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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