my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
