He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
