Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
