I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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