I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
