Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I feel like a drive thru vagina
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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