I think my fart just growled at me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
