I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize