Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
