just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
