things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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