apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
