6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So much rum. So many feels.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
