Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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