I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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