dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize