Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
