birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
