I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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