is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
