I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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