Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
