I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Your dad touched me again.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
be right there i have to get my cape
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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