I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
