Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
