well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
