got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
