you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
