pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I can text with my tongue
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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