Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
