I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
