weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
