not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
