woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize