Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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