By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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