I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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