Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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