If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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