I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
