did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
