I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
