he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
sex in a hospital.. check
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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