I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
