His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
