mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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