You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
