I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
