I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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