I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
