Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
