if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
