It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
